You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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