Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
