OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
