I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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