they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize
