Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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