Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
