How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
