I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
