How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Randomize
