Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
