my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
