I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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