she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Randomize
