Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
