I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
