I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
