Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
