the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
