I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
