Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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