I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
