I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
