Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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