I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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