i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
