"it" just moved
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Dicks are not precious.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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