Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
