How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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