yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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