you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
