I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
