I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
