YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
