I hate your face
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
