I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
