if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
