OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
how drunk are you?
Several
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
