hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
