I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
