Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
