when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
