Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Oh god it's open bar.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
