Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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