lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
