Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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