It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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