I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
