this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
