What did we do last night that was yellow?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
