if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
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