I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
